2017 - Alcoholoroscopes !


ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't  
know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone
to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get
mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way
to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can
become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened
should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the
 same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really
horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for
a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus
is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in a-china-shop inebriate who
spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the
preference for wining and dining or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is
quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any
 means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er,
gregarious full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely
amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior
much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just
hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and
allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced
state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic
ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very
tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails
every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow
drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and Limon cello) for their own amusement.


CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with
dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties
and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style,
Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read:
weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and
spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer.
Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor
vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.


LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous
dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their
commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're
darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit,
 probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get
over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one
who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so
just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung
over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.


VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impo se order onto their
 bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking
less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat,
to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get
fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the
intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose
when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo
friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of
intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!


LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Drinking style: "I'm a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm
so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and meet
new people. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with I nsta-Friend device
set to "on") or on the Wicked Libra side (they are very flirty when bored),
the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are
notoriously honesty when drunk, however, which can get them into all sorts of
trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening,
flirting with their friend's beau or even blacking out the night's
events entirely. Oops!


SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll
 smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're
hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink,
and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as
 something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -
though if depresse d, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But
generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant
conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what
you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.


SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of
their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with.
This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign
of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're
the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd
to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun.
Good-natured hi-jink s are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of
 loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).


CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie
and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to
please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But
just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they
 generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the
after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.


AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Drinking style: Aquar ius and drinking don't go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism,
and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or
a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however,
they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make
perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital
drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can
get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by
drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused
strangers while sober.


PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that
you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the
dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty
tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other
hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in
crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas
and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can
be read two ways you know.


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