Beer's Jokes

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Please, take care of yourself.  

  A recent joint study conducted by the  Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.   

This means that  the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee,  carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that.

 Therefore,  beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.    

This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.


Riddle 

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click, hold, and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *


"Favorite Drink"

One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work.

Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine the woman's surprise when she heard her son cry out, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"


VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting n ervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday th ere will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies...  "My wife."


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.  The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."       

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


“Ever since Ii was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems.

"Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". 

“How much do you charge?"

“Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

“'I'll think about it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?"' he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to remove the legs of the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"


….. Why Females Should Avoid A Girl’s Night Out -After They Are Married –

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos–MIDNIGHT!)


Top Ten Signs You've Purchased A Bad Indiana Beer.

1.         TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of the White River ..."

2.        Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beer company has a wheelbarrow pushed by a  doped-up monkey

3.        The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry"

4.        For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle.

5.        Tastes more like a mountain goat than a mountain stream.

6.        Picture on label is of a guy throwing up.

7.        When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," The fish die and everyone runs away.

8.        Made from roasted Harley and plops!

9.        It was actually brewed by Flanner and Buchanan. (local funeral home)

10.     On the second sip, your liver implodes.

 


You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

----------Get your drunk ass off the Merry-go-round!


 

Drinking is a Sin

Aurthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“you should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol Is the blood of the devil!”

Now Aurthur gets pretty annoyed about this and goes on the offensive “how do you know sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous—of course I have never taken alcohol myself.”

“Then let me buy you a drink—if you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life.”

“How could I, a nun, sit outside this public house drinkg.”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a tea cup for you, then no one will know.”

The nun reluctantly agrees, so Authur goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me and a triple vodka on the rocks,” and then he lowers his voice and says to the barman,”…and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

With that the barman says-“Oh no! It’s not that nun again is?


or

Beer Turns Men Into Women

Last month, National University of Singapore scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hormones contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

  1. Argued over nothing.
  2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
  3. Gained weight.
  4. Talked excessively.
  5. Became overly emotional.
  6. Couldn't drive.
  7. Failed to think rationally.
  8. Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.


Brain Health

 

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
- Cliff Clavin


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

 Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

 So the Minister asked the congregation:

"What can you learn from this demonstration? "

Eloise was sitting in the back.  She quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service...


A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Keep up the good work!

 



 

Drink Beer

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking Beer because Beer has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Beer = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink Beer and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of sh-t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.


Beer contains female hormones!

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the p resence of
female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones
(hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men
turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer
each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the
test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

 



 

 

SIPPING VODKA
 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do! Not ref ER to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Investment Advice

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now  be worth
$49.

If you bought $1000 worth of Miller Lite (the beer, not the stock) one
year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel/aluminum
deposit, you would have $79.

It is therefore financially prudent in these troubled
times to drink heavily and recycle.



 

Long Version of the Above

The other day I heard someone talking about how much better we would have
been if we had invested in beer, instead of certain stocks on the stock
market.  So, like any person who has got some time to kill, I did a
little research of my own and came up with the following conclusions on the
age old art of beer investing. 
If two years ago you had taken $30,000 dollars of your hard earned overtime
money and invested $10,000 into Enron, $10,000 into Nortel and $10,000 into
WorldCom, here's what you would have acquired.
69 shares of Enron at $144.00 per share
80 shares of Nortel at $124.00 per share
357 shares of WorldCom at $28.00 per share
However, had you decided to invest your entire $30,000 into cases of your
favorite beer (lets say Coors for arguments sake), here's what you would
have acquired.
921 cases (24 bottles/case) at a cost of $32.55 per case.
This brings us to today, when you want to retire and cash in your
investments:
69 shares of Enron at $0.16 per share would get you $11.04
80 shares of Nortel at $1.24 per share would get you $99.20
357 shares of WorldCom at $0.30 per share would get you $107.10
All for the grand total of $217.34
On the other hand, for those savvy investors who decided to get into beer
investing instead.
The empty bottles would get you $0.05 per bottle, or 921 cases x $1.20 per
case = $1,105.20
Therefore, for those who chose to invest in beer . you might have put on a
few more pounds, had a few more friends and ultimately enjoyed your
investing experience.  But most of all you would have even been $887.86
better off than those who chose the stock market.
Also, lets not forget that in those areas where a case of beer is cheaper
than $32.55 (which is everywhere in North America), your profit margin would
have been even that much greater !!


Things That Are "Difficult" to Say When You're Drunk.

Things That Are "Difficult" to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are "Very Difficult" to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
"Cogito ergo sum."
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
loquacious
transubstantiate

Things That Are "Downright Impossible" to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!


A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that this time it was.The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous -- yes.The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar ! -- effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed."Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.""If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for thethings that are important to you.Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical
checkups. Take your partner out dancing.!  There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the car. "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."


One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." 



 

 

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 


An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer,  and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."


A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar
next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. 

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
 of champagne, too!"  
 
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day 
for me I'm celebrating." 
 
 " This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman. 
 
 "What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he 
asked, 
 
"What are you celebrating?"  
 
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my 
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" 
 
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years 
all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."  
 
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become 
fertile?"  
 
" I switched cocks," he replied.  
 
"What a coincidence," she said.
 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"


I Sorry Honey, I can't hear you without a beer in my hand.


The Inebriation Scale: 

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.

6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.


BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

 SYMPTOM -
 FAULT -
 ACTION -

 Feet cold and wet.
 Glass being held at incorrect angle.
 Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 Feet warm and wet.
 Improper bladder control.
 Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

 Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
 Glass empty.
 Get someone to buy you another beer.

 Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
 You have fallen over backward.
 Have yourself leashed to bar.

 Mouth contains cigarette butts.
 You have fallen forward.
 See above.

 Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
 Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
 Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 Floor blurred.
 You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
 Get someone to buy you another beer.

 Floor moving.
 You are being carried out.
 Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 Room seems unusually dark.
 Bar has closed.
 Confirm home address with bartender.

 Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
 Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
 Cover mouth.

 Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
 You are dancing on the table.
 Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

 Beer is crystal-clear.
 It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
 Punch him.

 Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
 You have been in a fight.
 Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

 Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
 You've wandered into the wrong party.
 See if they have free beer.

 Your singing sounds distorted.
 The beer is too weak.
 Have more beer until your voice improves.

 Don't remember the words to the song.
 Beer is just right.
 Play air guitar.


Subject:    WARNING !!


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and
unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when
offered a drink from any woman.


A date rape drug is on the market and  is used by many
females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid
form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles,
and is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to
persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few
litres of it and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach and will often succumb
to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom
they would never normally be attracted.

Men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them
the night before,often with just a vague feeling that something bad
occurred.


At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their
life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been
reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd
enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after it is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.


Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every
town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in
the yellow pages.



 

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in  here."

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:  "A beer  please, and one for the road."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." 
       The other says, "Are you sure?"            
       The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

 A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

 

So a guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says gruffly, " All right, pal, I'll let you stay but don't start anything."

 


What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
 About 5 drinks


The Little Guy

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender asks, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"


The man says "Sure he talks. Hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were hunting in Africa and you called that witch doctor an idiot!"
 


Subject:    "ALCOHOL"



Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have reluctantly accepted the FDA's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible or worse, bulletproof.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may mack you tink you can tipe reel gode


Bar Room Translations



1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by
the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get
your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)

5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)

6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to
lick you.)

7. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to
you on the ride home?)

8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an
expert at diverting attention.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now.)

13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of
the way.)

14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You
are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute
that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get
your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch,
like the slut you are.)

15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

17. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew
a 0.4 after my last visit here)
 


You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?

Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ....... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ............... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................. $84.48 per gallon

and this is the REAL KICKER......
 
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon.

(get me a beer please)
 
$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source.
 
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!


The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, The CEO of Miller gets a Miller, The head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

"Nah," Guinness relies, If you guys aren't having a beer, then neither will I.

                                        from the 3/03 Reader's Digest!


Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it."POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"
 


A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 


WHY PEOPLE DRINK???

 

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.  One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: 


 "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this,... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of  the group keeps improving by the elimination of the weakest members."

 "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the  slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally t attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells   first.     In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."


"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 


Yesterday, scientists at Johns Hopkins revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. 

 

To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 cans of beer and observed that 100% of them started jabbering instantly and couldn't drive.

 


 

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? 


A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables

 


 A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

    The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

    The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club”

 


 

 A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “ I’ll have a beer and          …………………………………………………    …………and some chips.  The Bartender replys “why the big paws.”

 


 

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
 

    She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

    The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

 


Top Ten Signs You've Purchased A Bad Indiana Beer.

1.        TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of the White River ..."

2.        Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beer company has a wheelbarrow pushed by a  doped-up monkey

3.        The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry"

4.        For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle.

5.        Tastes more like a mountain goat than a mountain stream.

6.        Picture on label is of a guy throwing up.

7.        When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," The fish die and everyone runs away.

8.        Made from roasted Harley and plops!

9.        It was actually brewed by Flanner and Buchanan. (local funeral home)

10.     On the second sip, your liver implodes.


A man and giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe drinks too much and falls asleep and the man gets up to leave. The barman calls after him:

"Hey, you can't leave that lying there!"

The man says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."


 

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman.


- At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

-The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

-She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."


This is the end of the beer jokes page -

Our Lager

Our lager, which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk,
At home as we are at the Hash.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
Barmen