Beer Quotations and Humor.
Something to add? - mschiess@earthlink.net

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious visions clamber
Through the chamber of my brain.
Quaintest thoughts, queerest fancies
Come to life and fade away.
What care I how time advances:
I am drinking ale today.
- Edgar Allen Poe

 

“You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.” - Adolphus Busch

“Drink triple, see double, and act single” – Anonymous

Similar to ONE BEER, TWO BEER, THREE BEER, FLOOR

“Getting stoned just makes you want to eat and get fat. At least drinking too much makes you vomit which makes you thin”.  Earl J. Hickey

“And smoking weed kills your brain cells, not like getting drunk which only hurts the liver, and you got two of them”.  Earl J. Hickey

“Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into.” - Don Marquis

"In my opinion, most of the great men of the past were only there for the beer—the wealth, prestige and grandeur that went with the power." - A.J.P. Taylor, British historian, 1984

“Whiskey and Beer are a man’s worst enemies…but the man that runs away from his enemies is a coward!” - Zeca Palomino (Brazilian song writer)

“Buy a man a beer, and he wastes an hour.  Teach a man to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.” - Charles Papazian

"Beer he drank - seven goblets. His spirit was loosened. He became hilarious. His heart was glad and his face shown." - from the Epic of Gilgamesh, 3000 B.C.

“If you resolve to give up smoking and drinking, you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.” - Clement Freud.

“There’s nothing like good food, good beer, and a bad girl.” - Harvey Allen

“And God said, ‘Let there be beer!’  And He saw that is was good.  Then God said, ‘Let there be light!’  And then He said, ‘Whoa-too much light’.” - Frank Varano

“Beer may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk” - Wiley

“The church is near, but the road is icy.  The bar is far, but we will walk carefully” - Russian Proverb.

 “On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word.  On other days, the brewery is close.” - Frank Varano

“Milk is for babies.  When you grow up you have to drink beer.” - Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Don’t bother trying to join the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.  It turns out they are apparently against all three.” - Wiley

“Women and drink.  Too much of either can drive you to the other” - Michael Still

"A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure."

“Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire” - David Wallace

 

“Who does not love beer, wine, women, and song remains a fool his whole life.” - Carl Worner

“Men can go wrong with wine and women. Shall we then prohibit and abolish women?”

"A little bit of beer is divine medicine." –Paracelsus, Greek physician

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” - Benjamin Franklin

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.” - Ernest Hemingway

"It was a natural as eating and to me as necessary, and I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking  beer"- Ernest Hemingway

"The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober." - Yeats

“You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.” On label of Founder's Breakfast Stout

“The human intellect owes its superiority over that of the lower animals in great measure to the stimulus which alcohol has given imagination.”-Samuel Butler

“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.” –Francois Rabelais

"Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire" -David Rains Wallace 

" Beer is a wholesome liquor…..it abounds with nourishment" –Dr. Benjamin Rush “There is no strong beer, just weak men” - Dan Castellaneta.

"I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night" –Benjamin Franklin

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks." –Joe E. Lewis

“History flows forward on rivers of beer.” Anonymous

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill

“When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.” – Dave Berry

 “Wow, it’s like I’ve died and went to heaven.  But then they realized it wasn’t my time yet.  So they sent me to a brewery. – Peter of Family Guy

"Here’s to alcohol, the cause of-and solution to-all life’s problems". –  Homer Simpson

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be  epended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."   — Abraham Lincoln

"Beer is a wholesome liquor…..it abounds with nourishment" –Dr. Benjamin Rush

"I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night" –Benjamin Franklin

"You can never buy beer; you just rent it" -Archie Bunker

“Smithers, this beer isn’t working.  I don’t feel any younger or funkier.” - Mr. Burns of Simpsons

“Beer will change the world.  I don’t know how, but it will” - sign on streets of New York

 "The sum of the matter is, the people drink because the wish to drink." -Rudolph Brand

"Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one."- Homer Simpson

"On victory, you deserve beer, in defeat, you need it."-Napoleon

"The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who’s drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck." – Warwick Frank

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill        "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it" -Churchill’s reply

"People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot" Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

"It’s better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit."… ….Steve Taylor

"Life’s too short to drink cheap beer" -Anonymous

“I’m going to buy a boat… do a little traveling, and I’m going to be drinking lots of beer!” - John Welsh, a bus driver who won $30 million in New York Lottery.

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." - W. C. Fields

"Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world" - Kaiser Wilhelm

"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer."  -Dave Barry

"I think this would be a good time for a beer." (upon signing the New Deal, paving the way for the repeal of Prohibition) - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Unknown

"Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them" - Queen Victoria

“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.” –Francois Rabelais

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid." Richard Braunstein

"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". Joe Lewis

"I told the stewardess liquor for three." - "Who are the other two? - "Oh, there are no other two." Sean Connery (as James Bond)

"Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire" -David Rains Wallace 

"I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer."  -- Brendan Behan

“I drink to make other people interesting.” – George Jean Nathan

“Work is the curse of the drinking class” – Oscar Wilde

The problem with some people is that when they are not drunk, they’re sober.”-William Butler Yeats.

"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." Steve Allen

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway

“One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.” – James Thurber

“What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?” W.C. Fields

“Let no man thirst for good beer.” – Sam Adams

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. -Benjamin Franklin

“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”-Benjamin Franklin

“The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.”- George Bernard Shaw

"We could not now take time for further searche or consideration: our victuals being much spente, especially our beere." - Logbook entry on the Mayflower, December 16, 1620

"Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of good beer."

"Sir, you’re drunk!" Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly." –Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." -Humphrey Bogart

The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV.” Homer Simpson---

"Beer , if drank with moderation, softens the tempter, cheers the spirit, and promotes good health.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” –Dave Barry

“Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer.”-Frederick the Great

“Beer…. a high and mighty liquor.”- Julius Caesar

 “If a life of wine, women and song becomes too much, give up singing.”-Mark Schiess

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.” - by Jack Handy

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” - Frank Sinatra

"It only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember whether it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but a the very least you need a beer."-  Frank Zappa

"Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini..." - Mae West

 “Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?” - Stephen Wright

"A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience - except that it is soluble in alcohol." - Thomas Blackburn

"Beer will get you through time of no money better than money will get you through times of no beer." - Freddie Freak

"After drinking four Martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I pass out altogether." - Anonymous

"One more drink and I'd have been under the host." - Dorothy Parker

"Beer has food value, but food has no beer value.'

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy

"I'm not so think as you drunk I am !" - John Squire

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits

"If love makes the world go around, then whisky makes it go around twice as fast!" - Compton Mackenzie

"You're not drunk unless you can lie on the floor without holding on !" - Dean Martin

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” - W.C. Fields

“Beer makes you feel as you ought to feel without beer.” Henry Lawson, Poet and writer.

"We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink" -Epicurus

"Beer is a wholesome liquor…it abounds with nourishment" –Dr. Benjamin Rush 

" Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution" –Queen Victoria

"I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion"   -Miguel De Cervantes

" There is more to life than beer alone, but beer makes those other things even better." -Stephen Morris

 "The mouth of a perfectly happy man  is filled with beer" –Ancient Egyptian Wisdom

 " Let us drink for the replenishment of our strength, not for our sorrow" -Cicero

" No, sir: There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn." –Samuel Johnson

" Beer, if drunk with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health" –Thomas Jefferson

 " Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand." –Fritz Maytag

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading !!!” - Henny Youngman

"I'm sorry honey, I can't hear you without a beer in my hand" - Over 1 million husbands.

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” - Brian O’Rourke

“It’s not about drinking 6 or 7 or 8 beers- it’s about enjoying the one you have in your hand.”Jeff Murdock, bon vivant and local philosopher - interviewed at the BRBP summer 2005

Just to be clear - What I said was. Beer is God, Music is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy and Springsteen is a profit. – Mark Schiess -3/20/08 Indianapolis, Prior to the concert.



Woody, the bartender:  How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Poor.

Woody:  Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

Norm:  No, I mean “pour.”

            - Dialogue from an episode of the TV show Cheers


“You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer” - Top reason why beer is better than Jesus.

 


 

“Recently I quit beer.  My doctor seems to think that 17 beers per day is too much.  In case you ever consider getting off beer yourself, let me explain the process.  You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair.

Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.” - Scott Adams