Medical Humor
for
 Medical Staff

 

  

A priest, a nun and a rabbi, a lawyer and a doctor walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What is this? Some kind of a joke?”


A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going into surgery. as she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says, "doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" The man replies, "Don't ask me, lady. I'm just a painter!"


[]


Tom's scrotum

The Best Story of the Year:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible
bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could
hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the
pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the
children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We
prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they
were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap
wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation
cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the
Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his
scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the
word is sternum."

 

 


A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s  going around?” “Yeah.” The other cow says, “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”



A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

“What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be alright.”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me,” the man replied. “She was talking to the doctor.”


A man walks into a cardiologist’s office….

-Man: “Excuse me. Can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”

-Doctor: “You don’t need a cardiologist. You need a psychiatrist.”

-Man: “Yes, I know.”

-Doctor: “So why’d you come in here if you need a psychiatrist?”

-Man: “Well, the light was on…….


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocaine? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN 
            
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.  He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. 
 
 One student  said to his friend: "I'm  sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. 

Those people walk just like that." 
 
 The other student says: "No, I don't think so.  The old man surely has Zovitzki 
 
 Syndrome.  He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we  learned in class." 
 
 Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him

and one of the students said to him: 
 
 "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you   might have.  Could you tell us what it is?" 
 
 The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." 
 
 The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." 
 
 The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." 
 
 The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." 
 
 The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." 
 
 So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" 
 
 The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ ............. But I was wrong, too!"


Gynecologist's Assistant Opening

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more


"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.


The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi.  That's about 620 miles from here."


A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?” “Relax”, says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?”


The nurse said to the doctor, “There’s an invisible man in the waiting room.” The doctor replied, “Tell him I can’t see him now.”


[]


Black Testicles
 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his  mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
 

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash  your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her  embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong   with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

A r e - m y - t e s t -  r e s u l t s -  b a ck ?'


Medicine at the Wal-Mart

 One day, in line at the company cafeteria Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." 

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.  It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

 That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

                  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

                 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

                 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

                 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

                 5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

                  Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently

wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman

sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently

once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious

about the shuddering.

 A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before

she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than

before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and

said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,

wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?"

 "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;

whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

 The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never

heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for

it?"

 

“Yes – Pepper”!


Gynecologist's Assistant Opening

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more-


"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.


The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi.  That's about 620 miles from here."

 "Oh, is that where the job is?"

 "No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"


 Old age


A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice cleavage.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed  that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.


A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home
because she is not feeling well.
 
"What's the matter?" he asks.
 
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.
 
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
 
"I can't see my ass coming into work today

I recently picked a new primary care physician.  After  two visits
and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh
no," I replied.  "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"  I
said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing /
ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?" "No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said.  "I have never done any of those things." He looked at
me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?" 


"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."  - Henny Youngman


The dying penny pincher told his doctor, lawyer and pastor, "I have $90,000 under my mattress. At my funeral I want each of you to toss an envelope with $30,000 into the grave." And after telling them this, he died.

At the funeral each threw his envelope in the grave.

Later the pastor said, " I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."

The doctor admitted, "I needed $20,000 for new equipment at the hospital, so I only had $10,000 in the envelope."

"Gentlemen, I'm shocked that you would blatantly ignore this man's final wish," said the laywer. "In the envelope that I threw in was my personal check for the entire and the full amount."


 


There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

An 62 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk...The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not?  You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
Room full of people.  You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor
in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.  "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The room erupted in laughter.


An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice"

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and

proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"


SENILITY
 
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
 
"That's not senility," replied the doctor.  "Senility is when you forget to zip down."


A woman was in a coma following a car accident. Although her injuries had healed, she'd stayed in the coma for months, giving no response.

The nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to the doctor and told him.

The doctor went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but was assured that they'd close the curtains round the bed for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes, alarms went off – the woman's monitor had flat lined, pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she might have choked.


After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
 
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
 
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
 
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
 
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
 
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time  is usually in August and the second time is in January".

Two doctors, a Proctologist and a Psychiatrist,  opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:


  "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, 'Hysterias and Posteriors'."

 The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

 This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

  No go.

  Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive."

  Thumbs down again.

  Then came "Minds and Behinds."

  Still no good.

  Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

  Unacceptable again.

  So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

  No way.

  "Nuts and Butts."

  No way.

  "Freaks and Cheeks."

  Still no go.

  "Loons and Moons."

  Forget it.

  At their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." 
 


Getting Old is a bitch!
 
An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great! How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Chuck  replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes of."

" WOW, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But, I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?"

"Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims,"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" 


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

 For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.  Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is  also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After  Careful  consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafailin. Also considered were, Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.  

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available  in liquid  form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as  a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning  to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff  drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast  Implants  and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there  should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"


1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels upward.



What doctors say, versus what they're really thinking:

 



"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office
visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can
be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea
pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe
this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after
all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the
lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now,
if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better
learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God
I'm off next week.


This guy went to see a highly recommended psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you off?"

The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on , inkblot after inkblot.

The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert."

The guy replied, "I not the pervert here. You are the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."


Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room. "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"


A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

"The things that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

 Red meat is awful! 

 Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining!

 Chinese food is loaded with MSG!

 High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

 But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

 "Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

             " Wedding cake "


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy Some cyanide."

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."   The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed,

 "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

 That's against the law!  I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide!" 

 The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now.  That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge  
heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the  service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled  
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful  
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all  
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of  
my own funeral..I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.


MAUDE AND MABEL

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having
a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn't get
wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her
kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of
age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."


The pharmacist fainted.


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the  Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from  miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he  announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or  three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to  hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

 The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a  beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

 "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.  It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six  generations."

  He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while  quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,  watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back  and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds  of pairs of eyes followed the swaying  watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's  fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the Hypnotist.

 It took three days to clean up the senior center


Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"


Doctor: "Mrs. Smith, I have to tell you. I don't like the looks of your husband."

Mrs. Smith: "Neither do I, but he's good to the children."


Doctor's Advice

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a beautiful young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

"I didn't say that," the doctor responded. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
       "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
       "Is it common?"  
       "It's not unusual."


CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final

word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

! 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red
wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots
of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 


I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.  A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

 He asked, "do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" 

"Oh no," I replied.  "I'm not doing either." 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" 

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" 

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" 

"No, I don't," I said. 

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" 

"No," I said.  "I don't do any of those things." 

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be
80?

 


ENJOY!!!    ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

Pay particular attention to number 20.
 

1.. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

2.. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3.. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

4.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

5.. The patient has been depressed since
she began seeing me in 1993.

6.. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7.. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

8.. The patient refused autopsy.

9.. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10.. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11.. Patient's medical history has been remarkably with only a 40-pound
weight gain in the past three days.

12.. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13.. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14.. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
like to work her up.

15.. She is numb from her toes
down.

16.. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

17.. The skin was moist and dry.

18.. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19.. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20.. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21.. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.

22.. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

23.. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24.. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25.. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26.. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stockbroker instead.

27.. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28.. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30.. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31.. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


Subject: proctological humor

 A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he  was performing colonoscopies:

 

 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no  man has gone before."

 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we  there yet?"

 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally  married."

 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left  hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"

 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't  you?"

 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying  that my head is not, in fact, up there?"


East v. West

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice"

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and

proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"


Serious Business

A YOUNG SURGEON got a call from a colleague inviting him over for a poker foursome.

"Emergency, dear?" asked his wife sympathetically.

"I'm afraid so," the doctor replied bravely. "It's a serious case--three other doctors are already there."


SENILITY
 
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
 
"That's not senility," replied the doctor.  "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

 


Just a Figure of Speech

THE DOCTOR was making a house call. His patient said, "It's mighty nice of you to come all the way out here to see me."

"Oh, don't mention it," replied the doctor. "I had another patient in this part of town, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone."

 


Ins and Outs

A FELLOW went to the doctor for a physical examination. The doctor found him fit as a fiddle, with no sign of any ailments...but when the man left the office, he dropped dead right outside the door.

The nurse hurried in and told the doctor, "That man you just examined fell dead on his way out! What shall we do?"

The doctor replied, "Go turn him around so it looks like he was coming in."


Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through


Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."


A guy visits his doctor complaining of uncontrollable flatulence. The doctor tells him to undress and leaves the room. Moments later he returns, carrying a long stick with a hook on the end.

            “Oh God!” says the guy in terror. “What are you going to do with that?”

            “I’m going to open a window,” the doctor replies. “It stinks in here.”


Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"


Jack was depressed when he returned from the doctor’s office.

            “What’s the matter?” his wife asked.

            “The doctor says I have to take one of these pills everyday for the rest of my life.”

            “ And what’s so bad about that?”

            “He only gave me seven.”


 

A short history of medicine:

 

I have an ear ache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

 

NaCl

1950 ----- salt causes hypertension;

1960 ----- salt does not cause hypertension;

1970 ----- salt causes hypertension;

1980 ----- salt relieves hypertension;

1998 ----- the AMA Journal evaluates 114
separate studies and concludes that salt
does not affect hypertension either way.


"I got this great new hearing aid the other day. It really works fantastically."

"Are you wearing it now?"

"Yep. Cost me a small fortune, but it's really top of the line."

"What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


Two mailmen are standing on the sidewalk chatting after finishing their routes when one notices a slug crawling by. In a rage he stomps on the poor creature.

            “That was cruel,” says the other mailman. “ Why’d you do that?”

            He replies angrily, “That son of a bitch has been following me all day!”


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when! I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

 


Subject: proctological humor

 

 A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he  was performing colonoscopies:

 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we  there yet?"

 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally  married."

 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"

 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't  you?"

 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"


 

Jack was depressed when he returned from the doctor’s office.

            “What’s the matter?” his wife asked.

            “The doctor says I have to take one of these pills everyday for the rest of my life.”

            “ And what’s so bad about that?”

            “He only gave me seven.”


Having found her daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s son, the irate mother across the street to confront his parents.

            “Oh don’t take it so seriously,” the kid’s mother said. “ It’s only natural for children their age to want to satisfy
                their curiosity.”       

            “Curiosity? Curiosity?” the girl’s mother said fuming. “He removed her appendix!”


The curvy redhead limped into the doctor’s office complaining about a trick knee. The doctor stooped down, peering at the knee, and asked, “now what’s a joint like you doing in a nice girl like this.”


A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."


Strange Headlines

 -Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge


Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    Ask your Mom.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.


"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Hillbilly Medical Terms



A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."


What does a 80 year old woman have between her breasts?      Her navel.
 


A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" 

 "On my Testicles."


A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father replies "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."


Good Bad News
Doctor to a husband: I got good news and bad news, which one do you want to hear first?
Husband: (nervously reply) what's the good news? Doctor: Your wife is four months pregnant.
Husband: (with smile in his face) At last we're gonna have a baby. and what's the bad news?
Doctor: You're sterile. 


A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"


 " Doc, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."


Admit Data Form Admission

While asking a patient the usual questions while being admitted to the med-surg unit, I asked him, "Who should we notify in case of an emergency?"

The man looked at me with a puzzled, angry look on his face and replied, "THE DOCTOR!!! THAT’S WHY I’M HERE!!!


The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt...."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

 


Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."


A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."


A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"


There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things. A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement. A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The man's father asked what the doctor's name was. The man replied, "What's the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?" His dad looked confused and said, "Rose?" "Yes that's it... Hey, Rose... what's the name of my doctor?"


In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive level, here is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof:
Knowledge is Power. 
Time is Money. 
And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time 
If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money 
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge 
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done. 
What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.


Reasons I want out of HMOs!
Some frequently asked questions about the "You Name it" Health Plan

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!"  Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.  Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
------------------------------------------
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No.  Only those you need.
------------------------------------------
Q. I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.  But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
------------------------------------------
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
------------------------------------------
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
------------------------------------------
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
------------------------------------------
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.  I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
------------------------------------------
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill.  What should I do?
A. You have two choices.  Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
------------------------------------------
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
------------------------------------------
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.  You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician.  It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
------------------------------------------
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
------------------------------------------
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.


Patient: I'm in a hospital!  Why am I in here?
Doctor:  You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor:  Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.  Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well...  The bad news first...
Doctor:  Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible!  What's the good news?
Doctor:  There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.


Birth Control
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough.  So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.  The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to  Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he realized they were from Arkansas.  This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can.  He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.


If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?                  Your honor.


What do you call a lawyer gone bad?                                 Senator.


Rodney's


I am passing this onto you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.


Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the  things you've started and never finished".

 So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of white Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.


You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now!

 Man! that Dr. Phil is smart!

 


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."       

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."       

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us  in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide!"       

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.         

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"


You know you're a nurse if:

You believe every patient needs TLC:
Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley
one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying...some are just unconscious.

Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by
heart.

Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually.

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.

When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your
shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the
scissors and clamps in your pockets.


You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if
someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another
table throw up.

You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you
became a nurse.

Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of
them on you (and they are all from the drug reps!).

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You don't get excited about blood loss...unless it's your own.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, and to
convince the physician is more difficult."

You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker
and to HOLLER if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.


When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of
the answer.

You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery
waiting lines (or, can see a fetal heart tracing in a crack in the sidewalk!).

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner,
break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers (or pregnant women) in the mall for
fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR (or a
delivery) on your day off.

You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.

Some More-

The front of your scrubs reads "Nurses... here  to save your ass, not kiss it!"

You occasionally park in the space with the "physicians only" sign... and knock it  over.
 
You recognize that you can't cure stupid.

You believe there's a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe that saying "it can't get any worse" causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
 
You wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.

You believe that any job where you can drive to work  in your pajamas is a cool one.
 
You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

You've ever heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow  ring, and twelve earrings say "I'm afraid of shots."

You've ever placed a bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

You've told a confused patient that your name is that of a coworker and to call if they need help.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.
 
You have seen more penises than any prostitute could  dream of.

You believe that not all patients are annoying...
 some are unconscious.

Your family and friends refuse to watch medical sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down
 x-rays.
 
You don't get excited about blood, unless it's your own.

You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis.

You believe that the government should require permits to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet, isn't it?

You have  ever wanted to write a book entitled "Suicide: getting it right the first time."
 
You have ever had a patient look you straight  in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there."
 
You've had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

;-)


So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
should never have gotten down there send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 


Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"


The Surgeon was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his perfusionists, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the Surgeon returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."


First time sex


      A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

      The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
    A t the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
 The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
      The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist." 


What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining


What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.


Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
 


A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.


The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt...."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."


Doctor's Advice

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a beautiful young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

"I didn't say that," the doctor responded. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful


A YOUNG SURGEON got a call from a colleague inviting him over for a poker foursome.

"Emergency, dear?" asked his wife sympathetically.

"I'm afraid so," the doctor replied bravely. "It's a serious case--three other doctors are already


A man went to the doctor for a physical examination. The doctor found him fit as a fiddle, with no sign of any ailments...but when the man left the office, he dropped dead right outside the door.

The nurse hurried in and told the doctor, "That man you just examined fell dead on his way out! What shall we do?"

The doctor replied, "Go turn him around so it looks like he was coming in."


Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."


HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL...

 1. Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
 holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
the cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to the cheeks whilst holding the
 pill in the right hand. As you gradually ease the cat's mouth open in
this fashion, pop the pill into its mouth and allow the cat to close mouth
and swallow.
 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in
 left arm again, and repeat process.
 3. Retrieve cat from under bed in the main bedroom, and throw away the
soggy pill.

 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and thrust pill to the back of
its mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.
 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

 Call spouse in from garden to assist.
 6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold front and
rear paws. Ignore growls omitted from cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand, while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
 shattered figurines and vases from floor,and set aside for gluing
later.
 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw and
force cat's mouth open with pencil. Blow forcefully down straw.
 9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to humans.
Drink beer to take away the taste and apply band-aid to spouse's forearm.
Remove blood from carpet with soap and water, and discard shredded towel in
waste bin.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck so as to leave only
the head protruding. Force mouth open with spoon, and however much force it
takes. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Pour scotch and drink in one gulp. Apply cold compress to
 cheek, and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to
cheek to disinfect, and toss back another shot for good measure. Throw T-shirt
in bin next to shredded towel.
12.Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road, and
apologies profusely to neighbor who crashed into his pool whilst
swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.Tie the cat's front paws and rear paws tightly to legs of metal
garden chairs with twine. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push into cat's
 mouth, followed by a large piece of filet steak. Hold cat's head
vertical, and pour two litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14.Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency
room for stitching of your fingers and forearm, and removal of pill from
your left nostril. Call in at Home Depot on way home to get new garden
chairs.
15.Arrange with SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and find out if
they have any hamsters who need good homes.

 HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL .

 1.  Wrap it in bacon.


You’ve got to help me, Doc,”  the Irishman said. “It’s me ear. There’s something’ in there.”

            “Let’s have a look. Why, my goodness, it’s true. You’ve got money lodged up there.

            The doctor proceeded to pull out a $100 bill. “Wow,” he said, “and there’s still more.

            Out came a few more hundreds, then some fifties and some tens.

Finally the doctor said, “Well, that seems to be it.”

            “How much was there, all told?”

            “One thousand, nine hundred and ninety dollars.”

            “Ah yes that’d be right,” said the Irishman. “I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.”


A guy visits his doctor complaining of uncontrollable flatulence. The doctor tells him to undress and leaves the room. Moments later he returns, carrying a long stick with a hook on the end.

            “Oh God!” says the guy in terror. “What are you going to do with that?”

            “I’m going to open a window,” the doctor replies. “It stinks in here.”


Two mailmen are standing on the sidewalk chatting after finishing their routes when one notices a slug crawling by. In a rage he stomps on the poor creature.

            “That was cruel,” says the other mailman. “ Why’d you do that?”

            He replies angrily, “That son of a bitch has been following me all day!”


The curvy redhead limped into the doctor’s office complaining about a trick knee. The doctor stooped down, peering at the knee, and asked, “now what’s a joint like you doing in a nice girl like this.”


Having found her daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s son, the irate mother across the street to confront his parents.

            “Oh don’t take it so seriously,” the kid’s mother said. “ It’s only natural for children their age to want to satisfy their curiosity.”

            “Curiosity? Curiosity?” the girl’s mother said fuming. “He removed her appendix!”


Medical Truths

-:- The patient furthest away from the nurses' station
    rings the call bell more often than the patient
  nearest to the nurses' station.

-:- You always remember "just one more thing" you need
    after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone
    into that isolation room.

-:- The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is
    a bit less than the depth you just reached when
    you broke those ribs.

-:- When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet,
    you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.

-:- If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
    Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.

-:- There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
 

-:- When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid ...

-:- Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you
    have to float two of your RNs.

-:- As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids
    will be ordered.

-:- Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've
    had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

-:- You always forget what it was you wanted after you get
    to the supply room.  You always remember when you get
    back to the other end ...

-:- Doctors only ask your name when the patient
    isn't doing well.

-:- Success occurs when no one is looking,
    failure occurs when the boss is watching.

-:- The more sophisticated the equipment,
    the longer it takes to get repaired.

-:- Experience is something you don't get
    until just after you need it.

-:- As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients
    show up at the ER registration desk along with three
    ambulances all with cardiac arrests!


A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.

 

She said, Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who

gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don't want

to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected,

or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom,

from A to Y !'

 

The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very

unusual request....What is the patient's name and room number ? "

 

She said, 'Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about

Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.'

 

He said, 'Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel.

Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had

two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just

came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart

monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this

improvement,  Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at

twelve o' clock.'

The woman said, 'Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank God!

Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine

in a couple of hours you say.  Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And

she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy

to hear that! . . . That's wonderful news!'

The man on the phone said, 'From your enthusiasm, I take

it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!'

She said, 'What close family or friend? I'm Sarah Finkel in 302 !

Cohen my doctor tells me nothing."


There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on highway 280!"

Herman says, "Well heck, there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"


A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

 


"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

 


He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged


A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a unfortuate Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You ugly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"


Doc - "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."


"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"


What's In a Name?

A psychologist is in a group meeting with four women and their children. He begins to tell the mothers that they each have an obsessive disorder. Astonished, the mothers become angry with the doctor, wanting to know why he would say such a thing.

The doctor calmly begins to explain, “Ma’am, you're obsessed with alcohol, and you named your daughter Brandy."

Then he says to the second mother, "You have an eating disorder, and you named your daughter Candy."

To the third mother he explains, "And you’re obsessed with money, so you named your daughter Penny."

Before the doctor could tell the fourth mother what she was obsessed with, she whispers to her son, "Come on Dick, let’s go."


There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the
time. The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.  The
doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.  The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.  The doc put one finger under his left one and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check  for a hernia.  "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one, he asked the midget to cough again.  "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.  Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then
snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.  The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his groin area was no longer aching.  The midget replied,"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it...  What did you do?" The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."


  A woman went to the doctors offices. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, She burst out of the office, screaming as she ran down the hall.  An older Doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.  After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?  Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"


While asking a patient the usual questions while being admitted to the med-surg unit, I asked him, "Who should we notify in case of an emergency?"

The man looked at me with a puzzled, angry look on his face and replied, "THE DOCTOR!!! THAT’S WHY I’M HERE!!!


A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good
as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the
sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a
question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the
question until she hears you."

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen
feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?"

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated
the question.

Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for
dinner tonight?"

She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I
SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old goat!

 


"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."


What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.


A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good
as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the
sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a
question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the
question until she hears you."

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen
feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?"

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated
the question.

Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for
dinner tonight?"

She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I
SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old goat!


Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."

Doctor: "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney spells?"


 

Duck Hunting Docs

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"


A doctor dropped dead on the 18th hole. Whizzing through a tunnel of light, he soon discovered himself in Hades. In front of him were three doors and the Devil himself. "Choose wisely", said Satan, "for behind Door Number One or Door Number Two lies eternity". With that, he left.

Cautiously, the physician opened Door Number One. Sitting at a desk was a doctor, doomed to dictating H&P's for all time. "I couldn't stand that!", exclaimed the golfing MD.

Pulling open Door Number Two, he saw a physician rushing from one futile emergency to another. "I couldn't stand that, either!", he fumed. Glancing around for the return of The Dark One, he peeked behind Door Number Three.

There sat a doctor in an easy chair, surrounded by scantily clad nurses who fulfilled his every command. Suddenly the Devil reappeared. "Well, what's it going to be - Door Number One, or Door Number Two?", he demanded.

"I want Door Number Three!", the doc proclaimed. "Sorry", said Satan, "...that's NURSES' hell!"


Managed Care Hell 

A concurrent review nurse had used up her allotted three days in heaven.  Purgatory had such a long waiting list that it was no longer taking new admissions. Her benefits exhausted, she was referred directly to hell.  

When she arrived at the gates of hell, her personal torment manager greeted her.   

“Welcome to hell,” said the demon, “I am here to orient you to our new, streamlined eternity of perdition; we now emphasize efficiency and choice. To that end, we allow each condemned soul their choice of several torture plans. Let me escort you to the open enrollment area so you can make your choice.”  

The demon led the nurse down a toasty-warm, brimstone-scented corridor with a line of doors on each side. Managed care hell is down that side, gestured the demon with his clawed hand, “Look inside and see which one appeals to you.” Just then, the demon’s pager went off.  “I’m supposed to get off this #%*&!, shift in 15 minutes, this call better go to the second shift torment manager!” Turning, he said, “I’ll be back in as soon as I turf this call.  Have a look around yourself.” With that, he disappeared in a puff of sulfurous smoke.  

The concurrent review nurse opened the first door. Inside she saw a huge noisy room with tiny cubicles and the echoing sound of a thousand blaring speakerphones. Each reviewer sat in a cramped chair in front of a desk covered with mountains of paperwork. One white-coated demon toted a whip and lashed out at any reviewer who wasn’t filling out papers fast enough. Another white-coated demon with a blowtorch applied flames to the toes of any reviewer who made a mistake or misfiled a paper. The nurse reviewer quickly closed the door. 

She opened the second door. “Audit!” screamed a blinking neon-red sign. Wailing and moaning filled the room full of cubicles. At one end of the room, frightened people frantically fed papers into a thoroughly jammed shredder. At the other end of the room, demons with law enforcement badges rifled through piles of paper and randomly dragged off individual reviewers for special torture. Perspiring slightly, she closed that door too. 

The reviewer then went across the hall and opened another door. She found herself in the staff office of a hospital ward. She watched as a concurrent reviewer marched into the room. Immediately, the attending physician sprang from the most comfortable seat and offered it to that reviewer. The resident physician stood up and offered to fetch the reviewer coffee and doughnuts. The intern brought the reviewer paper, pens and several charts, all carefully opened up to the right page.  

Just then the demon returned. “Have you made your decision yet?” 

“I think so,” said the reviewer with a little smile. She pointed to the third door. 

“Sorry nursey,” smiled the demon, wagging his finger, “That one there is doctors’ hell.”


 

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

  1. Oops!
  2. Has anyone seen my watch?
  3. That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
  4. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  5. Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
  6. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
  7. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  8. Come back with that! Bad Dog!
  9. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  10. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
  11. If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
  12. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  13. Damn, there go the lights again...
  14. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
  15. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  16. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
  17. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
  18. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
  19. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
  20. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
  21. What do you mean, he's not insured?
  22. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
  23. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
  24. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
  25. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  26. I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
  27. That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
  28. Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
  29. Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
  30. Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
  31. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
  32. what do you mean  she wasn’t in for a sex change..?
  33. Someone call the janitor we are going to need a mop.
  34. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  35. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck this gal’s got two of them…
  36. What’s this doing in here?
  37. I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
  38. That’s cool! Now you can make her leg twitch?!
  39. Anyone see where I left that scapel?
  40. And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
  41. She’s going to blow! Everyone take cover!!!

The Blue Crab Bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a pin stripe suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

“Well,” said the little man, “I set fee schedules for an HMO.”
 


 

Attorneys and Doctors

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in  the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before  takeoff, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to  the attorneys.
 The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it.
 When the doctor returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
 The physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"


A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

 


 

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"


Nasty Bug


A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between
the eyes and scampered off.
 
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
 
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
 
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
 
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
 
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."


Migraine Cure


A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."


"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"


Poor guy finds out that his wife was in a terrible car accident. He
 rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and yells that his wife's been
 in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and page the
 doctor. The doctor comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset
 Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
 The doctor sits next to him and says, "I'm afraid it's not good news.
Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is
 inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you
will have to feed her."
 Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent
 pneumonia and bedsores."
 Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
 "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll also have to diaper
her, as she'll have no control over her bladder, and those diapers must be
changed five times a day."
 Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
 The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a
regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will
 engorge quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to
avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting."
 Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to
 wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.


 Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the
 shoulder.
 "Hey, I'm just *&%$ing with you, ....she's dead.
 


****************The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


Healthy Secret

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"

"I am 78." The man said.

"78?" asked the doctor.  "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."


Actual Medical Records
Actual Writings On Hospital Charts

1.  She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2.  Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3.  On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4.  The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5.  The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6.  Discharge status:  Alive but without my permission.

7.  Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8.  The patient refused autopsy.

9.  The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10.  Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11.  Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12.  Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13.  She is numb from her toes down.

14.  While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15.  The skin was moist and dry.

16.  Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17.  Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18.  Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19.  She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20.  I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21.  Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22.  Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23.  The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24.  The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25.  Skin:  somewhat pale but present.

26.  The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27.  Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28.  Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29.  Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

30. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
 
31. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
 
 32. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
   
 33. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
 
 34. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
 
35. She is numb from her toes down.
 
 36. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
 
 37. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
 
38. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
 
 39. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
 
 40. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
 
 41. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room 


Subject: Ingredients in Viagra

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra.
   2% Vitamin C
    2% Ibuprofen
    1% ASA
    95% Fix-A-Flat


HMOs: Questions and Answers


Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!"  Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.  Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No.  Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.  But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.  I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.  What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap.  My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill.  What should I do?
A. You have two choices.  Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.  You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician.  It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.


You Might be a Redneck if
1.You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
2.You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
3.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4.Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
5.You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7.You own a homemade fur coat.
8.Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9.You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10.Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
11.You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
12.You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
13.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14.You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15.Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
16.Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
17.Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
18.Birds are attracted to your beard.
19.Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20.You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21.You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
22.You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
23.Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
24.You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
25.You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
26.You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27.Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
28.You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
31.Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
32.Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
34.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35.The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
37.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38.The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40.You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41.You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42.You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
43.You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44.Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45.Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
46.The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47.You've ever bought a used cap.
48.Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
49.You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50.You've ever financed a tattoo.
51.You've ever stolen toilet paper.
52.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53.People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54.The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
55.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56.You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57.You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
58.You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59.You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60.You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
61.You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62.Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63.MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
64.You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65.You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
66.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
67.Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68.You own a denim leisure suit.
69.You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
70.Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71.You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72.You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
73.You have a rag for a gas cap.
74.The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
75.You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
76.You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
77.You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
78.You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
79.You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80.Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81.You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
82.After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
83.Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
84.All of your four letter words are two syllables.
85.You've ever been too drunk to fish.
86.You cut your toenails in front of company.
87.You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
88.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89.Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
90.You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
91.Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
92.You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
93.You can spit without opening your mouth.
94.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
95.You call your boss "dude".
96.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
97.You have grease under your toenails.
98.You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
99.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
100.You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101.You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
102.You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
103.You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104.You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
105.Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
106.When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
108.Your wife's hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
109.Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
110.Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.
111.Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".
112.You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114.Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
115.You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116.Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117.Your family tree doesn't fork.
118.Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".
119.There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120.You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.
121.You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
122.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123.You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124.You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
125.Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126.You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos".
127.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
128.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130.Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
131.People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132.Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.
133.Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following:
        a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
134.Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.

 

 


 

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

And Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO... 1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.


MEMORANDUM, To: All Hospital Staff, RE : Two New Cost Cutting Measures

  1. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood related tests on patients who are already bleeding.
  2. A bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting mold on the compost will be used by the pharmacy for in-house production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally soon be the only antibiotics listed on the formulary.

Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra and Rogain?

A: Don King!!


 What does it mean when the doctor says you have six months to live?
 You have five months to pay.


When does a doctor suggest emergency surgery?
When he's ready for a new sports car.



How can you tell if you have a cheap doctor?
 He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.



How can you tell when a surgeon is not thinking about the operation?
 Before he makes an incision, he yells "Fore!"



 Why did the duck go to the doctor's office?
 He was looking for a quack.



 What advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an operation?
 Whatever you do, don't go into the light.


Patient (yells from the waiting room): "Doctor!, Help!, I'm shrinking!

Doctor (from inside his office): "I'm busy, You'll just have to be a little patient.


An old man tells his friend, " I've got my health, everything is fine. My heart is good. My liver is good. And my mind, knock wood........who's there?"


What does a doctor mean when he says, " Good thing we caught this in time."

Answer: He means, " If you have waited another week this would have cleared up by itself."


A woman dies, goes to heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. 'Life in heaven is not so different from life on earth," St. Peter explains. "In heaven, we eat, we drink, we live in houses, and we work. Since you were a nurse on earth, you will be a nurse up here as well."

"How many patients will I have to care for?" asks the woman.

"20"

"20??" exclaims the nurse.

"Yes," says St. Peter, "There is a nursing shortage up here."

The nurse is walking with St. Peter to her job. She stops and asks, "Could I, um, can I, um, I maen, is there any way I could visit Hell?"

St. Peter, visibly upset, says, "This is highly irregular, I just can't sent you to Hell, you just got here."

She quickly replies, No, I only want to see how good I am going to have it up here for eternity, that's all."

St. Peter, still miffed, let her go.

Poof!! Satan greets her, " Hey babe, ready to go to work?"

"No I'm just visiting." But if I were to stay in Hell, What would I do?"

"Well since you were a nurse on earth, you would be a nurse down here, Satan replies.

"So, how many patients would I have to care for down here?" she asks

"3."

"!!!3!!!, that's all?",she yells.

"That's it babe, " Satan say with a smile, "You know, there's no nursing shortage down here."


Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.


A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, so she passed the invitation to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked him how he enjoyed the symphony, and , instead of a few plausible observations, she was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

  1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
  2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
  3. Much effort was involved in playing the sixteenth notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded to the nearest eighth note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
  4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with the horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to about twenty minutes.
  5. The symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish his symphony!


A policeman at the scene of a car accident was helping one of the drivers out of a crashed car and asked, " Sir, are you seriously hurt?"

"How should I know?" responded the driver. "I am a doctor, not a lawyer."


A large hospital sent a group from their OR to a major medical conference. The group consisted of Surgeons and Perfusionists. They boarded the train and headed for their convention. Each of the surgeons had a ticket, but their perfusionist counterparts only had one ticket between them.

The surgeons were snickering at this when a perfusionist shouted, "Here comes the conductor!"With that, all of the perfusionists squeezed into a bathroom. The puzzled surgeons watched as the conductor collected their tickets, then knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please." The conductor took the single ticket that was passed under the door and left.

They all attended a fine conference and had a good weekend.

On the return trip, the surgeons, not to be outdone boarded with only one ticket. Again, the surgeons laughed because this time the perfusionists had no ticket at all.

When the perfusionist lookout yelled, "Conductor coming!" all the perfusionists crowded into one bathroom, while the surgeons piled into another. Then before the conductor entered the car, one of the perfusionists came out of his bathroom and knocked on the surgeon's door.

"Ticket please," he said.


When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several people ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. " Step aside, lady," he said. " I have taken a course in first aid."

The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. Pardon me," she said. " But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.


The philosopher René Descartes is sitting in a bar. The bartender says, "It's closing time. You want one for the road?"

Descartes says, "I think not."

And with that --poof!--he disappears.
Tony Kornheiser/Wasington Post


Jerry Garcia wakes up in a white room surrounded by musical instruments. He sees Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman pick up guitars, John Lennon sit down at a piano and Janis Joplin, Buddy Holly and Elvis line up at microphones.

"Wow!" says Jerry. "There really is a rock 'n' roll heaven and I'm going to jam with the band!"

Hearing this, Elvis leans over and says, "Heaven"

Just then Karen Carpenter enters the room and sits down at the drums. Okay, everybody," she says, " 'Close to You., One and, two and, three........
Peter S. Langston/Reader's Digest


"A new study shows that three-quarters of all Americans are overweight," says Conan O'Brien. " In fact, it is so bad that three-quarters of all Americans are nine-tenths of all Americans."
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien," NBC


A priest was walking down a street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down trying to reach and ring a door bell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the boy . "And now what, my little man?" he asked.

"Now we run like hell" said the boy


A woman was sick of of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when he came home drunk, she jumped up from behind the couch and screamed.

"You don't scare me," the man said, looking over her calmly. " I married your sister."


Mike and Charlie are two retired ex-baseball players living at the same extended care facility. As they sit together on the facility's steps Charlie wonders "Mike do you think that there is baseball in heaven?"

"I dont know "says Mike "But if one of us dies first he should try to come back and let the other know if there is." They both agree.

Several weeks later, Mike passes away in his sleep. Charlie is saddened by this and spends many nights along on the steps lamenting his old friend's death. One night he hears a voice. "Mike is that you?" he asks.

"Yes it's me" Mike replies. " I had to come back and speak with you....I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven and it is the biggest game arround, lots of teams and millions come to watch each game!"

Charlie is excited about this but asks "What then is the bad news?"

"You are going to be pitching on Friday night!" replies Mike.


A man walks into a hospital for a routine examination. Just as he reaches the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keels over on the sidewalk. The first man runs towards the second and notices that he is obviously dead. with this he rushes into the hospital, grabs the first doctor that he sees, and screams," Doctor, Doctor!! what should I do?, a man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!!"

The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few seconds, and then suggested, "spin him around. Make it look as if he was comming in."


A young couple fall in love and make plans to be married. A few days before the wedding the are involved in a car accident and are both killed. They enter heaven and are welcomed by St. Peter. The couple explains to St. Peter that they had planned to be married in a few days, are very in love and would like to spend eternity together as a married couple.

"I am afraid you will have to wait." says St. Peter, " Come back in five years and we will see.

Five years pass and the couple returns to St. Peter, repeating their request. "I am sorry you will have to wait another five years and return then"

Another five years pass and the couple meet with St. Peter. This time they are married and after the splended wedding, they depart to spend eternity with each other. The couple were happy at first but as time went on there developed problems. They realized that they had made a mistake and did not want to spend eternity together. Again they went to St. Peter ...This time to ask for a divorce.

"What!" replied St. Peter, "It took me ten years up here in heaven to find a minister now you want me to find a lawyer?"


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